Does anyone else out there have a child who is consistently lying to you? Last night, I reminded my son to brush his teeth before bed. This resulted in his typical meltdown on the floor, and he was too tired. I responded with little emotion as we have long since implemented the rule that if he over-reacts to a second warning to brush his teeth, he loses any treats for the following day. We explained that this is a natural consequence; if you are not going to take care of your teeth, then you cannot eat sugar that hurts your teeth. He slowly got up and went into the bathroom. On my way downstairs, I heard the drawer open and the electric toothbrush start. I turned around, realizing I had forgotten something in my room, and found my son holding the toothbrush in the drawer. He was letting it dry run and jumped upon seeing me, quickly saying sorry and grabbing the toothpaste. My son was just pretending to brush his teeth!?
This is an ongoing issue with my son lying and sneaking sweets, etc. I responded by saying to finish brushing his teeth and go to bed, and we would talk about it in the morning. I did this intentionally for us both to talk from a space of calm. I wanted to talk to him to understand his hesitancy to brush his teeth and not just give the consequence right away. A few years ago, my son had to be put under anesthesia for dental work to receive somewhere around nine caps and more filings. Since then, his teeth have been more sensitive, and he has struggled with brushing them. When we discussed it, he honestly told me that brushing his teeth wastes time. From my perspective, I think it is more around timing, as it is right before bed when he is tired. It goes much better when I have him brush them earlier in the evening before a final activity. I am going to think about implementing something like brushing teeth after dinner rather than right before bed. We did tell him that one of the consequences is that he will be brushing his teeth in front of an adult every night.
Something that struck me, though, was our conversation about lying and trust. I explained, again, that when there is consistent lying, it is hard to have a good relationship without trust. I explained that if I lied to him often, would he believe me when I said we were going to have a special treat or go to a fun place? How about if I say I love you no matter what? Would you believe me if I lied a lot? He said no, maybe not. I thought that was good, but then I said, “Is there anything else you want to tell me of times you have been lying or sneaking? This is a time to tell me, and I won’t punish you.” When I got no response, I pushed him and said are you sure there is nothing? Then he started to cry and said, “No, and you are making me sad.” I explained again how lying is harmful to relationships because I want to believe, but how do I know when you are telling the truth? It got me thinking if this is the best approach I want to take. The Lord does convict us of wrong, but His loving kindness leads to repentance. The Lord gives His trust, grace, and new mercies every morning. We don’t have to earn it back again when we make mistakes. It is a free gift. I am not saying there are no consequences for my son to learn when we catch him lying, but I also don’t want him to feel forever in debt trying to earn our trust back. I would rather him grow up and think what crazy radical love his parents gave him over and over again, even when he made poor choices. And even more than that, I want him to know that when we fall short, he has a Father in heaven who is abundantly loving and always has plans for him! I am still thinking and praying about ways I can model unearned trust while disciplining and coaching my son not to lie. I will keep you posted!